I Didn’t Mean It That Way

What happens when our perspectives don't align or someone misunderstands what we meant?

What’s your reaction? Is it to say, “I didn’t mean it that way — they’ll get over it,” and move on? Or to pause and ask, “I didn’t mean it that way — how do we fix the impact?”

When my sisters and I talk about shared experiences our perspectives, memories, and takeaways are so vastly different from one another. If those who come from the same home can be so different, imagine the differences in view, impact, and social norms we have from those we work with.

All the ways we're influenced and shaped in unique ways, our friends, family, social influences, backgrounds - you name it. There's bound to be some mishaps in communication and understanding when you consider all the ways to perceive our surroundings and perception is reality. That is a powerful thing to remember.

You are going to get feedback you disagree with and that's okay!

You don't have to agree with someone's perspective or change your authentic self. That isn't what receiving feedback meaningfully is and giving feedback is not about trying to change who someone is.

Receiving feedback meaningfully doesn’t require agreement - it requires responsibility.

• Reflect before reacting; ask questions if needed

• Allowing space for the feedback giver to share their perspective uninterrupted

• Acknowledge the impact

• Seek/implement solutions that align impact with our intention

I got feedback 12 years ago from that changed my life and set me on a journey for awareness. I transitioned from the food industry into the world of healthcare - support service, not direct care. My goal was to get those I supported answers quickly, accurately, and with clarity. I achieved this well, I helped on committees outside the scope of my position. I thought I was doing well. Then one day I was called into the HR office and, much to my dismay, I was informed I was rude. I adamantly disagreed and in the end asked for examples/proof - you can't fix what you don't understand.

To my surprise, they did, they showed me emails that made colleagues feel unwelcome and examples of interactions. The common factor was - I didn't connect. I was being perceived as transactional and I had no idea. I've always been a direct and in my previous roles it was celebrated. I had good intent but intent isn't known and the impact of my approach led to people dreading my "attitude". One I had no idea I had.

Colleagues thought I didn't care about the human behind the work. Though it couldn't have been further from the truth, it's what my approach did. I was mortified and hurt, I sat with my feelings and digested the perspective that was shared, and critically, I chose to use the feedback to adapt for success.

What's your approach when you're receiving feedback you don't agree with ?

1. Dig our heels in and defend our approach OR

2. Accept that where intent was good, the impact wasn't and we can do something about it if we tune in, stay open, and practice awareness.

That's the choice we face. Stay firm and protect our intent or stay open and use feedback to align our impact with our intent. When we use feedback properly we find growth and long-term success individually and within the team.

I am still a direct person who sometimes forgets to say I hope you had a great weekend and Happy Monday in some of my emails. But I'm aware now and awareness changes how we lead.

That’s the gift of receiving feedback - increasing our awareness so we can lead with greater intention and impact without changing but working with who we are.